So, here I am, almost 50 years old, and I am finally ready to call myself a writer. I have been writing my entire life that I can remember. But up until now, I have called myself a a student, a video editor, a receptionist, and even called myself a producer, which is pretty close. But I was always hesitant to call myself a writer. I mean, a writer is someone who writes for a living. Or has written finished novels and books. Or at the very least, a writer is someone who writes, sort of, you know, regularly.
I always felt that you could not decide for yourself you were a writer. You are a real writer when someone else calls you one.
When I was very little, I would talk to myself. I was 6 years younger than my brother, and very shy, so I spent a lot of time by myself. But I didn't just have an imaginary friend. I had an imaginary school full of friends, and an imaginary family, and a whole imaginary life. The characters in this life were complex and fairly well developed, with varied personality traits and challenges, and detailed back stories. (I had two imaginary adopted sisters, who were biological sisters to each other, whose parents were killed in a car accident. One of them was several years older than me, with a minor drug problem, and the other was an adult, living on her own, with a husband and a baby, whom I would babysit after school.) The settings and situations changed at times, throughout my childhood, but most of the characters were consistent. Others would be added, and there were times when an entirely new story would emerge, temporarily putting a hold on the regular one. I would talk out loud to these people as I created their stories, and I was pretty sure it all meant I was insane, so as I got older, I would try my hardest to stop doing it. I couldn't seem to stop my imagination, so I learned to find quiet places where I could talk without anyone realizing how crazy I was. Seriously, I really thought there was something very wrong with my brain. I continued doing this into my early adult life, less frequently, but consistently.
One day not that long ago, while taking a fiction writing course, it occurred to me that I had been writing, creating fiction, all those years. If only I had known, understood what I was doing, I could have written it all down, and not felt self conscious about it. I have written in a journal most of my life, briefly dabbled in poetry and songwriting, which I'm not very good at, wrote essays in school, which I never really enjoyed, but never found the writing that made me feel like myself.
When I think about it now, I was always a writer. But I didn't know it. I wonder what would have happened if I would have gone to university to study writing. It's impossible to know. But I wonder.
The first time someone called me a writer, and I started to see that it was possible that it was true, they were referring only to basic workplace communication. They had just noticed that I was able to phrase things in the right way so they would be understood, and not offend. At the same time, I was in university, and doing a lot of essay writing. There were certain subjects, like philosophy and history, that inspired me to sink into the research and writing. I started to love it. I still did not think of myself as a writer.
Then, I got a job writing commercials and promotional material for TV. That is making money writing. But I certainly did not think of myself as a writer then. It was too short, too repetitive, too prescribed, and too commercial. I believed anyone could have done it.
I spent several years blogging, when my kids were very young. Again, seemed like anyone and everyone was blogging, and I didn't see my words as different than anyone else's. I wrote and produced a television program for a couple of years. And then, I was inspired by an extraordinarily life to write a book. (Ironically, that extraordinary person I write about is the one who always, always encouraged me to write.) And I wrote. And I wrote. But I still have not finished it. I wrote, but I was not a writer.
Except I was. I was always a writer. I have always been a writer. I realized something recently, while re-evaluating my work life, and trying to make life make sense. I realized life doesn't make sense. But also, I realized that being a writer is who I am, not what I do. It is not an accomplishment, it's a way of approaching life. I am a writer, and I will always be a writer. I hope I can make a living doing it one day. I hope to finish my book one day. I hope to, but even if it never happens, I am a writer.
I always felt that you could not decide for yourself you were a writer. You are a real writer when someone else calls you one.
When I was very little, I would talk to myself. I was 6 years younger than my brother, and very shy, so I spent a lot of time by myself. But I didn't just have an imaginary friend. I had an imaginary school full of friends, and an imaginary family, and a whole imaginary life. The characters in this life were complex and fairly well developed, with varied personality traits and challenges, and detailed back stories. (I had two imaginary adopted sisters, who were biological sisters to each other, whose parents were killed in a car accident. One of them was several years older than me, with a minor drug problem, and the other was an adult, living on her own, with a husband and a baby, whom I would babysit after school.) The settings and situations changed at times, throughout my childhood, but most of the characters were consistent. Others would be added, and there were times when an entirely new story would emerge, temporarily putting a hold on the regular one. I would talk out loud to these people as I created their stories, and I was pretty sure it all meant I was insane, so as I got older, I would try my hardest to stop doing it. I couldn't seem to stop my imagination, so I learned to find quiet places where I could talk without anyone realizing how crazy I was. Seriously, I really thought there was something very wrong with my brain. I continued doing this into my early adult life, less frequently, but consistently.
One day not that long ago, while taking a fiction writing course, it occurred to me that I had been writing, creating fiction, all those years. If only I had known, understood what I was doing, I could have written it all down, and not felt self conscious about it. I have written in a journal most of my life, briefly dabbled in poetry and songwriting, which I'm not very good at, wrote essays in school, which I never really enjoyed, but never found the writing that made me feel like myself.
When I think about it now, I was always a writer. But I didn't know it. I wonder what would have happened if I would have gone to university to study writing. It's impossible to know. But I wonder.
The first time someone called me a writer, and I started to see that it was possible that it was true, they were referring only to basic workplace communication. They had just noticed that I was able to phrase things in the right way so they would be understood, and not offend. At the same time, I was in university, and doing a lot of essay writing. There were certain subjects, like philosophy and history, that inspired me to sink into the research and writing. I started to love it. I still did not think of myself as a writer.
Then, I got a job writing commercials and promotional material for TV. That is making money writing. But I certainly did not think of myself as a writer then. It was too short, too repetitive, too prescribed, and too commercial. I believed anyone could have done it.
I spent several years blogging, when my kids were very young. Again, seemed like anyone and everyone was blogging, and I didn't see my words as different than anyone else's. I wrote and produced a television program for a couple of years. And then, I was inspired by an extraordinarily life to write a book. (Ironically, that extraordinary person I write about is the one who always, always encouraged me to write.) And I wrote. And I wrote. But I still have not finished it. I wrote, but I was not a writer.
Except I was. I was always a writer. I have always been a writer. I realized something recently, while re-evaluating my work life, and trying to make life make sense. I realized life doesn't make sense. But also, I realized that being a writer is who I am, not what I do. It is not an accomplishment, it's a way of approaching life. I am a writer, and I will always be a writer. I hope I can make a living doing it one day. I hope to finish my book one day. I hope to, but even if it never happens, I am a writer.