Photo by Eli Solitas on Unsplash
It is interesting how much we care about what we wear to a funeral. I remember my dad insisting he needed a tie on the day of my grandmother’s funeral, even though I’m not sure she ever saw him wear a tie, and he didn’t even own a tie. In an effort to provide whatever support I could to him, I raced around town asking his brothers and brothers-in-law if anyone had an extra tie he could borrow.
When my maternal grandmother passed away, I spent an afternoon helping my mom shop for an appropriate outfit for the funeral. When my uncle died, I called my cousin, whom I am very close to, and asked what I could do to help her. She asked me to take her shopping for funeral clothes.
When it was time for me to go to my own mother’s funeral, I had no trouble deciding on music, photos, food and even what I would say. What stopped me in my tracks and almost resulted in a meltdown was deciding what I was going to wear. It seemed so important. Like a decision that would change everything.
Last night, my son came to my room to ask me what he should wear to the funeral of his 20 year old friend.
Sigh. This one hit me harder.
Why do we stress over the clothes? What does it matter what we wear to say goodbye? Maybe in a situation that we know will be emotional and overwhelming, a situation that we fear will break us down, the I only thing we can control is our clothing. Maybe we feel like how we look is a measure in that moment of how much we care. Maybe it is just something meaningless to focus on when we can’t bring ourselves to focus on our broken hearts.
Our children have, for better or worse, experienced a number of funerals/memorials in the last few years. Each time, we have talked to them about how they feel, how they can support others, and they stay by our sides waiting for it to be over.
This is the first time the older boys will attend a funeral as adults, on their own. I am proud of them for going, even though it would be easier to avoid it. Funerals are an important part of the process of accepting the loss. It will be hard, especially in this case. It will be heartbreaking. But when your heart is breaking, it helps a little to be in a room full of others whose hearts are also breaking.
“Dress nicely. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be black. Dress in a way that shows how much you respect him, and his family. And maybe wear a tie.”