I just decided to write this post about my physical appearance, and I am writing it quickly before I lose my nerve. This is a hard thing to write about, for a few reasons. I actually don't want anyone to know how I really feel about my looks. Also, it is difficult to talk or write about your looks without sounding arrogant, or fake, or whiny. And it is very personal, and reveals too much about a person's psyche. Despite all of that, here I go.
When I was young, one of the only things anyone ever said about me was "She's so pretty." I was very shy as a child (and still am, but I've learned ways to overcome it in certain circumstances) so when my parents introduced me to new people, or even when I saw familiar people I hadn't seen in a long time, I would not speak. The only observation anyone was able to make was regarding my physical appearance. And I was kinda cute.
As I got a bit older, still shy, smart but not very clever, and really hadn't discovered my talents or passions in life, so people still mostly commented on how thin I was, how long my hair was, things like that. And ultimately, I felt like that was my value, how I looked. But what is weird is I still didn't believe I was attractive. I spent a lot of time and money on fixing all the inadequacies of my physical appearance, hair colour and curl, make-up (so much make-up), clothing that disguised the parts of my body that I thought were incorrect. I spent most of my adult life wasting time and money on appearances.
A few things happened to make me change that. A friend told me once that no one in a room is thinking about what you look like, they are too busy worried about what they look like. I started to pay attention and realized she was right. I was focused on making myself the princess at a party, not thinking about that fact that everyone else was doing the same thing, Having kids also changed my perspective. My little boys would ask me why I was putting that stuff on my face, and I didn't have a good answer for them. Because mommy feels inadequate with out? Because my real face is too hideous for others to see? Because my self esteem is tied to what others say about my looks? Also, after having twins, I was too exhausted most of the time to actually put on make-up and do my hair, and yet, no one seemed to really notice the difference. And then I was spending time to put on make-up that I could have been spending with my kids. And I got to the age where no one was ever telling me I looked good regardless of how much energy I put into it, so what was the point.
I decided I didn't want to care how I looked anymore. I wanted it to matter less to me than how I treated people or what I accomplished. Maybe it is from living in a house full of males, who spend very little time each day making themselves look different that they naturally do. I wanted that.
But a weird thing happened. In the last few years, my physical appearance has changed dramatically. I don't look like myself. I've put on a bit of weight. My face has changed shape. My hair has less body and shine. Natural aging, of course, but it is bothering me. And it bothers me that it bothers me. It really isn't that I want people to think I'm attractive like I used to be. I think it is that I attached some of my identity to how I looked, and now I look different. I see photos or catch a glimpse of my reflection and I really don't know that person. I don't want to care about how I look, I just want to look the same as I always have. But ultimately, that is caring about how I look.
This post does not end with answer, but with a question. How do I let go of who I used to be and love who I am now? Yikes. This might be about more than how I look.
