"Hi! How are you today?" I'm fine. How are you?"
We all have this exchange many times each day. How do you feel about it? Does it feel fake and time-wasting? Does it make you feel like you are lying to everyone you come in contact with?
A few years ago, I was going through a particularly difficult crisis in my life. (To be honest, there has been a few and I'm not even sure which one this was.) A very dear friend of mine would check in with me every day by sending a text, "How are you doing right this moment?" I found this to be super sweet, and super annoying. My answer was almost always "I'm fine. Thanks for asking." because it was the quickest way to move on to what I actually had to deal with each day.
Let me be very clear. I love this friend and she is an extremely caring and thoughtful person. And I know her intentions were sincere and she was hoping to provide support and love. I appreciated, even then, all of that. When someone we know is going through a hard time, we want to do something helpful, even when we really can't do anything helpful. She truly wanted to provide a safe place for me to not be okay and share my true feelings with her.
The problem was that I was trying to be fine, so I could do what I needed to do in the circumstances. I did not have time to be angry or sad or confused or devastated, or even talk about the possibility of any of those emotions at that moment. Not only that, but no one wants to respond to the question "How are you?" with "Crappy, thanks for asking." every day.
I recently had a conversation with someone I know who was going through a difficult time, and they said that they do not like the standard question "How are you?" that usually follows "Hello." because it feels like they are lying to everyone who asks when they answer "Fine." And they are absolutely sure no one actually wants to know how they actually are, it is just a polite question. It just comes out of our mouths automatically, without us thinking about it, or really expecting a truthful answer. A fake question.
When I think about it, though, and the interactions I have on a daily basis, I can see it differently. I don't think the question is fake, at least not all the time. Most of the time, I think people really want to know how you are, and even if only a small percentage of the people who ask really want to know, that is still a lot of people who care about you.
Sure, many people ask you how you are, and they expect to hear that you are fine. They will, for sure, be surprised to hear you say anything else, more negative or more positive. Think of how you react if someone says "I'm fantastic!" after you ask them how they are. You are taken aback. And you would be equally perplexed if they said "I'm terrible." But most of the time, even with a stranger, you would probably ask a follow-up question in either case, to find out why they are fantastic or terrible. We may not be expecting an unusual answer, but we'd explore it if it came.
Having said that, I understand not wanting to always explain how you are feeling to everyone, stranger or friend alike. And sometimes it feels weird to say 'I'm fine." when you are not really. There are a few things that I try to remember when someone says "how are you?" to me.
I use the question to think about how I actually am, even if I don't share my feelings with the asker. Do I need a walk or a nap or a deep breath? Am I able to handle my emotional state at this moment? Is there anything I can do about it? The question from someone else reminds me to ask myself how I am.
Many times, the answer will still be "I'm fine." but I don't think of this as a lie. Because most of the time, regardless of what is happening, I am...fine. I have clean water to drink, food, shelter, enough to get by, and resources at my disposal. I may not be great, or even good, but I am fine. I'm okay at this moment. I will make it through. I may be struggling. I may be facing challenges. I may be sick, tired, stressed, anxious. But I'm fine.
Maybe the most important thing that I try to let the question "How are you?" remind me is that I can get help if I need it. If at any time, I hear that question and I am really not fine, I really don't know how to get through the next minute, I need help, all I have to do is answer honestly. What do we tell our kids? When you need help, ask for it. Just say "I am having a hard time right this minute. Can you help me?" If it is someone you don't know well, you can ask them to call someone, or just stay with you for a few minutes, or find help. You may not think a stranger would help you, but wouldn't you do it for a stranger? If you walked into your next appointment and said "How are you today?" to the the receptionist, and they looked at you and said "I just got some terrible news and I'm having trouble breathing?" wouldn't you get them a glass of water, and a chair, and tell someone else in their office that they needed help? You would, I know you would. And they would do it for you, as well. We want to help people in crisis.
Don't stop asking the question. Even if you don't think it is helping, or you aren't getting an honest answer. Ask it anyway. In another conversation I had recently with someone else who was struggling with life's challenges, I asked "Do you still want me to check up on you?" And they replied "Yes, it always feels good to be checked on." So ask the question. It might make them think about how they really are, and what they need. At the very least, they know someone cares about them, and maybe the next time you ask, they will be ready to tell how they really are.