Photo by Felicia Buitenwerf on Unsplash
Sometimes, I get really caught up in what I do, and what I don't do, and how that defines me. I get anxious when I am not doing anything, to the point where I can't make myself do anything, and then I get depressed about the fact that I didn't get anything done. I get a nagging feeling that I don't do the right things, that I should be doing more or something else, that I am not enough because I don't do enough.
It occurred to me, though, that maybe we are not defined just by what we do. Maybe there is a distinction between who we are and what we do.
Who I Am:
I am a mother. I know this might seem to some like a thing I do and not who I am. Let me assure you, I am a mother and always have been a mother. I started mothering long before I had children. I mother my kids, and my husband, of course. But I also mother my brother and my father. When I was a youth, I was accused of mothering my boyfriend, and I know for sure I mothered my mother. When I was a smaller child, I pretended to be old enough to babysit. Mother is definitely one of the things I am.
I am a creator/imaginer. This one is strange, because you would think I would say I'm a writer. But I am kind of in an internal crisis about that right now. I'm not sure that I am a writer, although I do write. I know that constantly, since I can remember, I have created "what if" worlds in my mind, and in great detail. It will start with a insignificant scenario, which I will then question, and answer in my mind until I create weird lives, and strange places. I imagine all kinds of possibilities, so when other people are shocked by what has happened in real life, I am usually not shocked. Nothing surprises me. I have already imagined it all.
I am focused and calm in a crisis. I do not panic. I do not freeze. I can go into auto pilot, and put any fears or emotions aside to handle situations and do what needs to be done when faced with a major event. Its not really positive or negative, it is just who I am. I don't control the response. It just happens. In some ways I wish I could just melt down and someone else could deal with things. And although I don't get anxious when something happens to me or my immediate family, I do get anxious when something happens outside of my immediate circle, and I am not needed to handle things. My crisis response kicks in but I am not able to actually respond. In some ways, I actually feel kind of relieved when I have a crisis to deal with because I know exactly what to do, what to focus on, and I am not conflicted.
I am a nature person. Give me a campground in the forest over a busy downtown any day. I am not so much of a nature person that I want to go on the show Alone, but I am enough of a nature person that I need trees and water and mountains around me. I love camping in the mountains, but I want to be able to shower every couple of days and be warm at night. That is why I love our little trailer so much. It gives me a tiny little home, out in nature. (I'm going to write a post later about why I love camping. Creating a tiny version of your home somewhere else, just like playing house as a kid. So fun!)
I am a learner. I am drawn to opportunities to learn something new. I think that is part of the reason I start to feel restless and anxious when I have been doing the same thing for a while. (Settle down. I am aware that there are all kinds of other deep, psychological reason for getting restless in life. We will save those for therapy.) It feels like I should be learning something else. I have taken so many courses over the years, and I used to think it meant I was choosing the wrong ones, because it wasn't satisfying my curiosity. But now I understand that the curiosity never ends, it is part of who I am.
What I Do:
I run a music school. I love running the school most of the time, I love helping students find their musical place, I love seeing them gain confidence and live their dreams. I spend an enormous amount of my time doing this. Sometimes, I feel like its too much, like I should do something different in my life.
I travel and camp. Although these two things are different, I am grouping them together. I love them both! I love planning and discovering new places. I love observing different cultures. I love trying new activities, to a point. (I am not super adventurous.) This one may actually be more of a Who I Am.
I manage my family. You might think this is the same as mothering, but it is not. I will always be a mother, but I would be okay giving up the family management. I spend time trying to decide what might be best for each member of my family, and then I spend time trying to implement plans to make those things happen. Although mothering comes naturally to me, family management does not. I do it because I choose to, because it is important to me, but it is not intrinsic to who I am.
I write. There. Fine. I said it. I have a connection with words and language, and I have been writing in one way or another for most of my life. What I am struggling with a the moment is what happens if I don't write. Can I still be me if I'm not writing? What makes me stop writing? And what kind of writing is going to make me feel like I have reached my potential as a writer? Does it have to be a novel? Does it have to be read by others?
So, it is not super easy to separate who we are from what we do. And it is probably not entirely necessary most of the time. But when you are going through a "any-time-in-your-life" crisis, it can help to identify what makes you who you are, and what takes up your time at this moment. Sometimes you can change the things that you do, and sometimes you cannot. Who you are will change over time, too, but there will always be constants that define you. They just might not be what you think they are.